How to survive a Haunted House (with pride intact)
It’s that time of season again where the Haunted Houses start to pop up all around the country. Many people have been hard at work all summer coming up with diabolical and malicious ways to literally scare the crap out of you in front of your friends If you want to have some fun and still maintain your pride read our tips below. Perhaps more terrifying than a zombie carrying a bloody axe is the prospect of looking like a fool during your night out with friends because you didn’t follow some easy guidelines.
1) Make sure to hit the bathroom/outhouse before you go into the haunted house. Yes, it may be inconvenient or even disgusting… but not nearly as inconvenient or disgusting as trying to hide the fact that a haunted house actually scared the CRAP out of you when the bloody clown with the chainsaw suddenly appears two feet from your head! There’s no bleach strong enough to erase the embarrassment of climbing back into your best friend’s car with wet or stinky jeans. Trust me… this is a COMMON occurrence for haunted house managers… they see it all the time… they take pride in this fact…don’t be THAT statistic!!
2) Know Thy Body… Consider Dramamine if you know you get motion sickness… and don’t eat or drink too much right before going to a haunted house. When Past Tense owners are quoted as saying they have seen all forms of bodily fluids expelled in their haunted house… they are not kidding. If spinning rooms make you dizzy – take our advice and take a motion sickness pill BEFORE going!! Come on… If you know you’re the one who gets motion sickness at festival rides… don’t combine alcohol, food, riding in the back of your friend’s minivan with the horrors of blood, guts, foul smells and haunted attractions designed to disorientate you and expect it to end well. You MUST NOT be THAT friend who pukes at the first haunted house after seeing blood oozing out of the head of someone just got ripped open by a sword-bearing ninja.
3) Don’t scream like a little twirp. I don’t care who you are… it’s humiliating to scream like a TV Horror movie victim in front of your friends. Your chances of EVER being intimidating in any situation again in your life go down 87% if you scream like a little girl at a haunted house. Practice being scared without screaming like a girl. Practice a tough, and confident scream – perhaps a gasp… Avoid the high-pitch ear-drum crushing notes. Consider going on a roller-coaster without a safety harness and try not to scream. Practice by imagining or watching some old people making out. Now that is a horrifying experience in itself.
4) Speed Vs. Endurance…Fear can only hurt you if it can catch you… Run a triathlon or marathon or do any other type of physical training that will help you to run faster through the house or field. The faster you go through the house, the less likely you are to see something that will scare you. Downside… funny things can happen when you actually outrun all your friends in a haunted house and find yourself alone… in a dark room… with a clown.
5) Safety in Numbers…Go in a group with a bunch of friends and maybe in won’t be so traumatic when you see the head being chopped off of the witch or the bear with blood on its teeth getting ready to gnaw off your face. Be with someone you won’t be afraid to hug or hold hands with. For tough guys – THIS is your opportunity to be the strong confident one who proves his strength and value by protecting the fearful delicate females. And if you get caught holding your damsel in distress a little too close…You can blame it on the creature that got too close.
6) Deflect Attention… Secret trick…. say the name of your friends in the haunted house casually. The actors will catch-on & scare them even more by calling out their name in their terrifying charade… if your friends are completely freaked out, they’re much less likely to notice how scared you are.
7) Breathing for dummies: Practice holding your breath and counting to 10 to keep down your anxiety. If you can’t count to 10, then your screwed and you should have learned more in school. In that case you take long deep breaths but don’t make heavy breathing noises because then others will think you may be one of the monsters too or a hidden actor and take out your kneecaps.
8) Keep your FISTS DOWN!! Seriously, when you get scared do NOT reflexively punch-out the scary monster. Remember… it’s probably a 16 year old girl under that mask that is making minimum wage who took time away from her friends to jump out and scare you tonight. Imagine your ACTUAL horror when that mask flies off to reveal a girl half your size knocked out because you couldn’t handle a fright… at a haunted house… that you paid to go into. Try explaining THAT one to your friends.
9) Watch your Blood Alcohol level. Just because you CAN drink alcohol doesn’t necessarily make it a great idea on haunted house night. Pace yourself. Remember your ability to follow all these tips is completely dependent on your ability to remember them. Watch out, every bad side effect of alcohol is MUCH worse when you’re scared… think coordination, the need to use the bathroom, often… puking, acting like an idiot, and punching innocent people are NOT handy on this particular night-out.
10) Have Fun!! Remember, this as for fun and entertainment and to give some out-of-work actors and teenagers a job and also a fun way to literally get scared to a near -death experience but live to talk about in tomorrow. Do not take any of this too seriously, and have a great time.